Testing

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD YOUR HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?
Exactly where it is - on an alien lunar launch pad located in Vector 6.12-59 located in the subsection of Galaxy Macrosan. I like it there, the rain falls upside down and there's a never-ending supply of haddock.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?
My toga for formal occasions, my fig leaves if I'm going casual.

3. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
BOOBS! No, wait, that's not right...hang on a second, shoot, what is it? Oh, yeah - it's boobs. Big old droopy man boobs, yeah baby!

4. WHAT'S THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?
An inspirational self-help book on cd to deal with my emotional baggage - it's called, "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry - Continuing the Abuse of the Inner Child"

5. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
In the ripped-open carcass of a freshly killed caribou, trying to stave off death by exposure by urinating on myself for warmth. (I usually refer to it as "Minnesota")

6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?
Too far away from my beloved caribou.

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?
The knobby bit on the underside of the webbing of my toes, you know that part? That feels FANTASTIC! The doctors want to remove it - they think they're so smart throwing around words like, "malignant" and "abnormality" but I like my knob. I call it Gregory and he gets angry if you stare. At least, I think it's anger he's expressing - when it starts throbbing and glowing green? Sure looks like anger to me!

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?
I like a person who's strong in strength - that's always refreshing.

9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
I do not understand the ways of your people - what is this "morning" you speak of?

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
I like that one show, it's on all the time, you know where they make up stories about places outside of America? Gosh those guys have great imaginations...the big storyline now is about this place called "Afghanistan" where people ride camels and hide in caves and stuff...it's pretty amazing. How do they come up with this stuff? I can't wait for sweeps week, I heard that George Clooney is going to make a special appearance - do I smell a new love interest? Tune in and find out!

11. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?
My mechanical bull. Who needs a mixer when you have a mechanical bull?

12. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE CHILDHOOD MEMORY?
Any that don't come out during regression therapy. At least, none of those that require more electro-shock treatment.

13. WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Things that are funny. Weird, huh?

14. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?
When people get in my face, trying to find out what makes me angry just to antagonize me. Just back off, okay!

15. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Probably an instrument of torture. Or the triangle because it's an instrument AND a shape - I respect the triangle's diverse nature. Don't let anyone label you, triangle - stay strong!

16. FAVORITE RESTAURANT/CAFE/EATERY?
The ones that don't kick me out for not wearing pants - so I guess, none.

18. IF THERE WAS A MOVIE MADE ABOUT YOU, WHAT CURRENT/FORMER HOLLYWOOD STAR WOULD PLAY YOU?
Probably Patrick Swayze because we both have really huge cleft chins. And we both look like crap in drag.

19. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?
I believe in afterdeath.

20. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?
"Consolidating Debt for Dummies"

21. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
I really like paprika but have been surprised by my blooming passion for coriander, the sexy little yellow beast!

22. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE HOUSEHOLD CHORE?
Scraping the barnacles off the toilet seat.

23. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I would speak in binary code. But I would hope that I didn't meet someone else who spoke binary code because I don't really have an ear for foreign languages - we'd have to communicate by writing messages on a white board or something, and I just don't have that kind of time.

24. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT?
My tattoo is the little guy on Fantasy Island who would say, "Da plane, da plane!" at the start of every show. I think his name was Doug.

25. WHO WAS YOUR FIRST LOVE AND AT WHAT AGE?
I had a whirlwind romance ending in heartbreak with Captain Kangaroo at the tender age of four - we just wanted different things out of life, you know? He wanted his show to go into syndication...I was interested in boogers and eating paste. But I'll always have memories, sweet memories of pooping behind the sandbox. (That last part has nothing to do with love, I'm just fond of that particular memory - does it count as a memory if it happened today?)

26. THE SONG YOU WISHED YOU HAD WRITTEN?
The song that makes the whole world sing - I can't remember if that's the Coke song or the song that doesn't end.

27. DO YOU PREFER CATS OR DOGS?
Prefer them what? Boiled, fried...? Was this question cut off or something?

28. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?
Joey "Loose Lips" Cabronne - but don't tell the Boss, as I didn't get his permission to whack the guy.

29. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU EMAILED THIS TO-WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
The certain individual who also received an attachment of themselves with a certain unnamed politician in a certain compromising position - you know who you are!

30. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU EMAILED THIS TO-WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
The FBI - they never come when you need them, but when you make just ONE threatening gesture toward a visiting foreign dignitary and they're all over you like white on rice.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
The day I mooned the Pulitzer Prize winner and poet laureate, Maya Angelou.

32. USING ONLY ONE WORD, DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Me.

Unfortunately, it's not all cabbages and arses here at pickle juice - sometimes I have to get all civic-minded...that's because I am what is affectionately referred to by the conservative right as a "bed wetting liberal". When I find that an injustice has been propogated against someone undeserving I just flare. This is one of those times; indulge me, won't you?

There are few things in this world that I can look at and definitely declare as wrong – my mother calls me a “wishy washy milk sop” and maybe she’s right. Though I’ve seen her own political leanings shift in a dramatic way – this is a woman who used to fashion diapers for her children out of the American flag and wave the babies high up in the air at anti-government protests, yet now you can witness her spouting off about “the damn beaners”. Ditz’s boyfriend is Hispanic and he’s just generally a bad person (in my opinion, which doesn’t count for squat to Ditz, nor should it). I admonished my mother: “You know it’s not really fair to speak against an entire race of people just because you don’t like Ditz’s boyfriend.” My mother replies, with more than a little awe in her voice, “That’s the funniest thing – the older I get, the more I realize that all Mexicans are lazy and stupid.” I reply, with more than a little sarcasm in my voice, “Gee, mom, I hope when I’m your age that I’m as wise as you.” She says, “You’ll see.” Uh, no, I won’t see. One of the very few things that I think is fundamentally wrong is a hate crime (or hate speech, whatever) because the victims of such are never the cause of the feeling to begin with. Your daddy played with your yoo-hoo when you were little? Then let’s kill the fags! You got passed over for acceptance into a college due to affirmative action? Then let’s kill the blacks! Maybe mommy stayed home instead of working and smothered you/worked too hard and neglected you? Let’s beat our wives! Root causes, you see.

I don't think this is a glib interpretation - take, for example, the following scenario from one of my favorite movies of all time, "The Wall". The main character lost his father in the war, dealt with an overbearing mother and his wife betrayed him...these are the primary mitigating factors in his life that cause him to lead a rally of other "like-minded" individuals with the following cry:

Are there any queers in the theatre tonight? Get 'em up against the wall. There's one in the spotlight, he don't look right to me. Get 'em up against the wall. That one looks Jewish, and that one's a coon - who let all of this riff-raff into the room? There's one smoking a joint, and another with spots! If I had my way, I'd have all of ya shot.

The after-scene to this rally is blood-chilling...I can't hear the song, "You Better Run" without looking over my shoulder in case someone is bearing down on me with a weapon to beat my head in.

Personally, I didn’t know a single black person until I hit the age of fifteen. My town (“Little Alabama”, it was called) was very racist, and even today my mother tells me of black families that are silly enough to try to live out there, only to have their children beaten and their yards adorned with burning crosses. What an age we live in, eh?

Sometimes I cry with frustration at the lack of tolerance and understanding in this country, but at the same time I can understand prejudices. For example, the above reference to my town being called, "Little Alabama" - that's prejudical. Not everyone in Alabama is a red-necked racist, I know this, but I called the place "Little Alabama" along with everyone else. I know that just because you're a teenager who wears jeans that are falling off your hips and you blast rap music that doesn't make you a thug but that's going to be my first impression. Why would I want to get to know the "real you" when you offend my sensibilities? A lot of people can empathize with this sentiment when it's directed at "those damn punk kids" but what if I'd have said that about a black person? Whole different ballgame.

But I'd never direct hatred toward anyone, even slightly, until they start directing hate toward another person.

I had this on my mind all night last night because of what's going on with MJ. Go and read it for yourself, but in a nutshell the situation arose where she received a letter about "issues" effecting the village - one issue being that the place was becoming "too gay". Which begs the question - how gay is too gay? Is there some set quota that you can't overfill? MJ said once that around ten percent of the population is homosexual, so maybe that's what they were looking at, I don't know. At any rate, this really pisses me off at the nerve of the man who wrote this - and as it turns out, he's homosexual himself! What would incline a person to be so self-hating as to write that the place he lives is "too gay". Am I going to look around here and say, "You know, there are just too many white people in this neighborhood, we should do something about that."

Maybe I'm wrong about the self-hatred that I see in this man's statement...maybe he really wanted to say that there are too many childless couples? Too many small dogs with funny names? Cats as far as the eye can see! (See what I just did there? I threw in a few other prejudices - remember, prejudice is to "pre-judge" - it has very little to do with hatred and bigotry, though they often go hand-in-hand).