Friday, January 31, 2003
Nic Names
This is something else I was just thinking about - nicknames. His name is Nicholas - a nice enough name but not one I'd have chosen, necessarily - but I call him Nic. Note the absence of the K at the end...that's about all you can do with that name, really. But he's getting some strange nicknames...I just popped out with Chucky Chesterfield for some reason and it got me thinking.
Nic is also known as Nicodemus, Nickadoo, Nickerdoodle, Dibbity (which is DBD for "da big dog"), Nico, and Boyo.
Zoe is Zo, Zo-beana, The Bean, Beanie, Beanie Mareno and Das Bean.
Samantha is Sampantha, Sam, Sammy, Samalamadingdong and Ditty (for "sissy" - Zoe named her that.)
Andy isn't even his real name, so that's a nickname, as is Andrew, Kenny, Snidey Dave and Fritz. Strange thing - he went by Kenny, but he had a friend named Kenny whose nickname was Betty.
And me...well, my dad calls me Noodles but if you try it I'll break your legs.
I want a nickname.
Pouting-ly,
Natalie
This is something else I was just thinking about - nicknames. His name is Nicholas - a nice enough name but not one I'd have chosen, necessarily - but I call him Nic. Note the absence of the K at the end...that's about all you can do with that name, really. But he's getting some strange nicknames...I just popped out with Chucky Chesterfield for some reason and it got me thinking.
Nic is also known as Nicodemus, Nickadoo, Nickerdoodle, Dibbity (which is DBD for "da big dog"), Nico, and Boyo.
Zoe is Zo, Zo-beana, The Bean, Beanie, Beanie Mareno and Das Bean.
Samantha is Sampantha, Sam, Sammy, Samalamadingdong and Ditty (for "sissy" - Zoe named her that.)
Andy isn't even his real name, so that's a nickname, as is Andrew, Kenny, Snidey Dave and Fritz. Strange thing - he went by Kenny, but he had a friend named Kenny whose nickname was Betty.
And me...well, my dad calls me Noodles but if you try it I'll break your legs.
I want a nickname.
Pouting-ly,
Natalie
I'm an excellent driver. Definitely, definitely an excellent driver. Yeah.
Okay, so my Dustin Hoffman impression sucks, but you should hear my Sean Connery! "Shooow...nishe gooat. Schudn't we be mahking luv now?" I can pop my eyebrow like his and everything, oh you should see it, it's perfect.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Driving. Anyone who's ever had the misfortune of driving in Minnesota knows that we are the worst drivers ever. Even the agency that studies accidents and whatnot says so - I can't remember the name of the agency but you know the guys I'm talking about. They said that Minnesotans are the least likely drivers in the country to brake before a collision. What does that tell us? That either these drivers were a) not looking around at the other vehicles that could be potential accidents, or b) they were trying to speed up to get in front of other vehicles that could be potential accidents. Most likely scenario? Both.
There's a little saying here in Minnesota: Merging is a priviledge, not a right. I didn't realize how truely people believed this until last night, when Kare 11 (our local, what, NBC station? I think it's NBC - anyway, it was local news) had a feature on merging and how awful we were at it. It wasn't simply anecdotal evidence; they had a driving instructor actually take the reporter out on some of the busier freeways and point out what people were doing wrong as well as taking him up in a helicopter to show an aerial view of the freeways. Okay, so there's the proof that Minnesotans are, in fact, idiots. Pop quiz, hot shot: You're in your car and you're coming off an exit ramp - there's a semi truck driving in the inside lane - what do you do? If you're a Minnesotan you'll most likely misjudge how fast the semi is driving, think, "If I floor it I can get in front of him" and put the pedal to the metal, then realize the semi's going too fast for your intended plan so you change your mind and decide to enter traffic behind the semi instead. You slam on your brakes and swerve while the semi driver makes a highly unsafe lane-change to avoid hitting you. In the meantime, you're in the merging lane at a dead stop and other people behind you are coming around a blind curve...thankfully, they spot your dumb ass in the nick of time and slam on their brakes while you slowly gain speed and merge onto the 70 m.p.h. freeway at a leisurely 30 m.p.h. Without signaling. Or looking over your shoulder. Completely un-freaking-aware of how many lives your dumb ass just endangered.
If you are from any other state in the country you'd think...well, what's there to think about, really? Merge behind the semi. Duh.
Why are Minnesotans so bad at freeway driving? Get this - it's not taught during driver's ed. Minnesota not only requires less "behind the wheel" time during driver's ed than most states but they're not required to teach freeway driving and merging. But if you knock over a cone while parallel parking you fail your exam. What the hell?!?
This is a worry because roundabouts are gaining popularity. There are a couple in our town located in the Commons shopping area, and there are a few major ones on actual streets. The news crew planted a camera in front of one roundabout to show how bad people were at merging, right of way, and the rest. See, herein lies the basic flaw in a US roundabout...let's say, for argument's sake, that you enter a four-way roundabout. That's just a double circle (inside and outside lane) with four spokes coming off of it. Still with me here? You enter at road A and you want to exit the roundabout at road D, which would be a left-turn if this were a four-way stop. You have the furthest distance to travel around so what should you do? Get into the inside lane and leave the outside lane for other people entering and exiting the roundabout. Why should you stay in the outside lane making traffic for the guy who enters at B and exits at C? You shouldn't, but I betcha you will.
I'm allowed to criticize Minnesota drivers because I was schooled in Illinois. I was pregnant when I was in driver's ed - very pregnant, in fact - so I was cautious to a fault. I had four hours of freeway driving instruction alone (Minnesota requires six hours "behind the wheel" in total) so I feel qualified to offer my criticism. And my driving instructor's name was Mr. Carr, for whatever that's worth. Andy paid me the compliment once of saying that I was the only American he's ever ridden with who he thought would be able to pass the strict UK driving exam.
So yeah, I'm an excellent, definitely an excellent driver. It's the other guy's fault. I swear.
Pointing the finger-ly,
Natalie
Okay, so my Dustin Hoffman impression sucks, but you should hear my Sean Connery! "Shooow...nishe gooat. Schudn't we be mahking luv now?" I can pop my eyebrow like his and everything, oh you should see it, it's perfect.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Driving. Anyone who's ever had the misfortune of driving in Minnesota knows that we are the worst drivers ever. Even the agency that studies accidents and whatnot says so - I can't remember the name of the agency but you know the guys I'm talking about. They said that Minnesotans are the least likely drivers in the country to brake before a collision. What does that tell us? That either these drivers were a) not looking around at the other vehicles that could be potential accidents, or b) they were trying to speed up to get in front of other vehicles that could be potential accidents. Most likely scenario? Both.
There's a little saying here in Minnesota: Merging is a priviledge, not a right. I didn't realize how truely people believed this until last night, when Kare 11 (our local, what, NBC station? I think it's NBC - anyway, it was local news) had a feature on merging and how awful we were at it. It wasn't simply anecdotal evidence; they had a driving instructor actually take the reporter out on some of the busier freeways and point out what people were doing wrong as well as taking him up in a helicopter to show an aerial view of the freeways. Okay, so there's the proof that Minnesotans are, in fact, idiots. Pop quiz, hot shot: You're in your car and you're coming off an exit ramp - there's a semi truck driving in the inside lane - what do you do? If you're a Minnesotan you'll most likely misjudge how fast the semi is driving, think, "If I floor it I can get in front of him" and put the pedal to the metal, then realize the semi's going too fast for your intended plan so you change your mind and decide to enter traffic behind the semi instead. You slam on your brakes and swerve while the semi driver makes a highly unsafe lane-change to avoid hitting you. In the meantime, you're in the merging lane at a dead stop and other people behind you are coming around a blind curve...thankfully, they spot your dumb ass in the nick of time and slam on their brakes while you slowly gain speed and merge onto the 70 m.p.h. freeway at a leisurely 30 m.p.h. Without signaling. Or looking over your shoulder. Completely un-freaking-aware of how many lives your dumb ass just endangered.
If you are from any other state in the country you'd think...well, what's there to think about, really? Merge behind the semi. Duh.
Why are Minnesotans so bad at freeway driving? Get this - it's not taught during driver's ed. Minnesota not only requires less "behind the wheel" time during driver's ed than most states but they're not required to teach freeway driving and merging. But if you knock over a cone while parallel parking you fail your exam. What the hell?!?
This is a worry because roundabouts are gaining popularity. There are a couple in our town located in the Commons shopping area, and there are a few major ones on actual streets. The news crew planted a camera in front of one roundabout to show how bad people were at merging, right of way, and the rest. See, herein lies the basic flaw in a US roundabout...let's say, for argument's sake, that you enter a four-way roundabout. That's just a double circle (inside and outside lane) with four spokes coming off of it. Still with me here? You enter at road A and you want to exit the roundabout at road D, which would be a left-turn if this were a four-way stop. You have the furthest distance to travel around so what should you do? Get into the inside lane and leave the outside lane for other people entering and exiting the roundabout. Why should you stay in the outside lane making traffic for the guy who enters at B and exits at C? You shouldn't, but I betcha you will.
I'm allowed to criticize Minnesota drivers because I was schooled in Illinois. I was pregnant when I was in driver's ed - very pregnant, in fact - so I was cautious to a fault. I had four hours of freeway driving instruction alone (Minnesota requires six hours "behind the wheel" in total) so I feel qualified to offer my criticism. And my driving instructor's name was Mr. Carr, for whatever that's worth. Andy paid me the compliment once of saying that I was the only American he's ever ridden with who he thought would be able to pass the strict UK driving exam.
So yeah, I'm an excellent, definitely an excellent driver. It's the other guy's fault. I swear.
Pointing the finger-ly,
Natalie
asdfasdf
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
[Kermit is sitting on a bench. A man and his daughter walk by.]
Girl: Look, father! A bear!
Father: No, dear. That's a frog. Bears wear hats.
--------------
Statler:
That was quite a program! I would have only changed one thing!
Waldorf:
What's that?
Statler:
The channel!
Both:
Doh ho ho ho ho ho!
Irving Cohen:
Gentlemen, you know what the problem is these days?
Statler:
They put this show back on the air?
Irving Cohen:
(speaking)
No, it's because the kids don't have a chance to fail.
In the old days we had a little thing that you used to call Vaudeville.
And if you couldn't spin a plate, you didn't eat!
Which is what I told the great Sophie Tucker in the song I wrote for her...
For the Broadway show "Wig Wam Serenade"...
Give me a C! A bouncy C!
(singing)
Sophie Tucker was quite a girl
A red-hot mama who could make a plate twirl
The kids today, they don't have a clue
With those Nine Inch Nails and the band U-2
My scrambled eggs were runny today
Dot-dot-dot dee-dee-dee
And whatever the heck else you wanna put in there!
Statler and Waldorf:
Zzzzzz
Irving Cohen:
Good idea! I think I'll join you!
-----------
Statler: I told you this show was bomb!
(cannon ball flies out of TV and hits an old lady, who flies backwards in her chair)
Statler: What was THAT?
Waldorf: I think her medication just kicked in!
Both: (laugh)
Statler: Nurse! I'll have some of that!
----------------
Statler: Shakesphere would have hated that!
Waldorf: You should know, you dated his sister!
Both: (laugh)
Statler: Boy, was she ugly.
Statler: Wow, can you believe that bear won the heart of Cindy
Crawford?
Waldorf: Yeah, what a bunch of nonsense.
Statler: But it's worth a try.
Waldorf: Hey, Nurse!
Both: AROOGA! AROOGA! AROOGA!
Bears: ARGOOA! AROOGA!
Waldorf: This isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Statler: No, but it will do until the nurse gets here!
Statler: What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
Waldorf: "I Left My Heart In San Francisco"
Statler: Big deal! I left my teeth in Mineapolis!
Both: Dooh ho ho ho ho!
Waldorf: Thank goodness this show is almost over.
Statler: So what happened to that blue freak on the missle?
CCCRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHH!
BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!
Waldorf: Woah! Is he all right?
Statler: I don't know, I'll check his pulse.
Waldorf: If he's got one I'll split it with 'ya!
[Andy, Randy, and rest run by]
Statler: What the?
Waldorf: How come that never happens when we're watching the
Hot Bodies Bikini Contest?
Statler: You know, this show really improves with age!
Waldorf: Why? Because the jokes get better?
Statler: No! Because my hearing gets worse!
Waldorf: Same as it ever was
Statler: Same as it ever was
Waldorf: Yeah,
Both: ... terrible!
Bernie: Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.
Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
[Fozzie is performing stand-up comedy.]
Fozzie Bear: There was this sailor that was _so_ fat -
Fat Sailor: How fat was he?
[breaks bottle]
Fozzie Bear: Uh ... He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.
El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.
El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit the Frog: I don't even know you!
El Sleezo Tough: Hey, you botherin' my girl?
Kermit the Frog: No sir!
El Sleezo Patron: He did so. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough: Uch! Go wash, you'll get warts.
Kermit the Frog: No, that's just a myth.
El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she's *my* "myth."
Kermit the Frog: No, a *myth*, *myth*.
"Myth": Yeth?
Kermit the Frog: Durn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog? The tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
[To catch Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem up on the story so far, Fozzie hands them the screenplay.]
Fozzie Bear: It starts here on page, uh, one.
Dr. Teeth: "The Muppet Movie," huh? "Exterior swamp, day. In a long helicopter shot, we discover Kermit the Frog playing the banjo and singing..."
A man gets thrown out of the El Sleezo Cafe]
Kermit the Frog: Rough place?
Man: That is the roughest, toughest, meanest establishment I've ever seen!
Kermit the Frog: Well, why don't you complain to the owner?
Man: I am the owner!
Kermit the Frog: Nice car.
Fozzie Bear: Thanks, my uncle left it to me.
Kermit the Frog: Is he dead?
Fozzie Bear: No, he's hibernating.
Girl: Look, father! A bear!
Father: No, dear. That's a frog. Bears wear hats.
--------------
Statler:
That was quite a program! I would have only changed one thing!
Waldorf:
What's that?
Statler:
The channel!
Both:
Doh ho ho ho ho ho!
Irving Cohen:
Gentlemen, you know what the problem is these days?
Statler:
They put this show back on the air?
Irving Cohen:
(speaking)
No, it's because the kids don't have a chance to fail.
In the old days we had a little thing that you used to call Vaudeville.
And if you couldn't spin a plate, you didn't eat!
Which is what I told the great Sophie Tucker in the song I wrote for her...
For the Broadway show "Wig Wam Serenade"...
Give me a C! A bouncy C!
(singing)
Sophie Tucker was quite a girl
A red-hot mama who could make a plate twirl
The kids today, they don't have a clue
With those Nine Inch Nails and the band U-2
My scrambled eggs were runny today
Dot-dot-dot dee-dee-dee
And whatever the heck else you wanna put in there!
Statler and Waldorf:
Zzzzzz
Irving Cohen:
Good idea! I think I'll join you!
-----------
Statler: I told you this show was bomb!
(cannon ball flies out of TV and hits an old lady, who flies backwards in her chair)
Statler: What was THAT?
Waldorf: I think her medication just kicked in!
Both: (laugh)
Statler: Nurse! I'll have some of that!
----------------
Statler: Shakesphere would have hated that!
Waldorf: You should know, you dated his sister!
Both: (laugh)
Statler: Boy, was she ugly.
Statler: Wow, can you believe that bear won the heart of Cindy
Crawford?
Waldorf: Yeah, what a bunch of nonsense.
Statler: But it's worth a try.
Waldorf: Hey, Nurse!
Both: AROOGA! AROOGA! AROOGA!
Bears: ARGOOA! AROOGA!
Waldorf: This isn't exactly what I had in mind.
Statler: No, but it will do until the nurse gets here!
Statler: What's the name of that famous song Tony Bennett sings?
Waldorf: "I Left My Heart In San Francisco"
Statler: Big deal! I left my teeth in Mineapolis!
Both: Dooh ho ho ho ho!
Waldorf: Thank goodness this show is almost over.
Statler: So what happened to that blue freak on the missle?
CCCRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHH!
BBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!
Waldorf: Woah! Is he all right?
Statler: I don't know, I'll check his pulse.
Waldorf: If he's got one I'll split it with 'ya!
[Andy, Randy, and rest run by]
Statler: What the?
Waldorf: How come that never happens when we're watching the
Hot Bodies Bikini Contest?
Statler: You know, this show really improves with age!
Waldorf: Why? Because the jokes get better?
Statler: No! Because my hearing gets worse!
Waldorf: Same as it ever was
Statler: Same as it ever was
Waldorf: Yeah,
Both: ... terrible!
Bernie: Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction.
Kermit the Frog: Have you tried Hare Krishna?
[Fozzie is performing stand-up comedy.]
Fozzie Bear: There was this sailor that was _so_ fat -
Fat Sailor: How fat was he?
[breaks bottle]
Fozzie Bear: Uh ... He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.
El Sleezo Patron: Hello, sailor, buy me a drink?
Kermit the Frog: Oh, no, you see, I'm not a sailor, I'm a frog.
El Sleezo Patron: Oh, cut the small talk and buy me a drink.
Kermit the Frog: I don't even know you!
El Sleezo Tough: Hey, you botherin' my girl?
Kermit the Frog: No sir!
El Sleezo Patron: He did so. He touched me.
El Sleezo Tough: Uch! Go wash, you'll get warts.
Kermit the Frog: No, that's just a myth.
El Sleezo Tough: Yeah, but she's *my* "myth."
Kermit the Frog: No, a *myth*, *myth*.
"Myth": Yeth?
Kermit the Frog: Durn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog? The tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies.
[To catch Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem up on the story so far, Fozzie hands them the screenplay.]
Fozzie Bear: It starts here on page, uh, one.
Dr. Teeth: "The Muppet Movie," huh? "Exterior swamp, day. In a long helicopter shot, we discover Kermit the Frog playing the banjo and singing..."
A man gets thrown out of the El Sleezo Cafe]
Kermit the Frog: Rough place?
Man: That is the roughest, toughest, meanest establishment I've ever seen!
Kermit the Frog: Well, why don't you complain to the owner?
Man: I am the owner!
Kermit the Frog: Nice car.
Fozzie Bear: Thanks, my uncle left it to me.
Kermit the Frog: Is he dead?
Fozzie Bear: No, he's hibernating.
